Reflections on Love: You Don’t Have to Forgive to Heal

“Forgive them — not for them, but for yourself.”

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It’s a phrase you’ve probably heard. Maybe from a well-meaning friend. Maybe from a therapist. Maybe from a social media post with soft pastel colors and bold, sweeping promises about freedom and inner peace.

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But what if it’s not true?

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What if you don’t have to forgive someone in order to heal?

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Because the truth is: you don’t.

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Forgiveness can be powerful, yes. It can be beautiful, freeing, transformative — when it arises naturally, when it’s chosen from a place of clarity and sovereignty. But too often, especially in the context of trauma, betrayal, or abuse, forgiveness is used as a shortcut. A pressure. A way to “move on” without fully reckoning with what actually happened.

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The Myth of Forgiveness as a Must

Forgiveness has been deeply embedded into cultural and spiritual narratives as a virtue.

Religions preach it, wellness spaces glorify it, and psychology circles have (at times) leaned hard on it. But like any concept, when taken out of context or applied too broadly, it can cause harm.

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Studies have shown that in situations involving ongoing abuse, especially within close relationships, pushing for forgiveness too soon or too often can actually prevent emotional healing. It can cloud boundaries. It can silence valid anger. And it can make anyone who's been betrayed feel like there’s something wrong with them for not feeling ready — or willing — to let it go.

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But here’s the thing: not everything is forgivable. And that doesn’t make you bitter. It makes you honest.

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What Healing Really Requires

Healing doesn’t ask you to perform. Not to perform forgiveness, and not to perform anything else either.

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It asks you to feel what’s true. To give yourself permission to be angry, hurt, sad, confused — even numb. It asks you to acknowledge the harm, not minimize it. To protect your heart, not re-open it to someone who crushed it.

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Healing is about returning to yourself. Reclaiming your boundaries. Letting go of the internalized blame or shame that abuse and betrayal often leave behind. It’s about no longer organizing your life — or your healing — around the person who hurt you.

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Sometimes that includes forgiveness.

Sometimes it includes a clear no and never looking back.

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Both paths are valid. One is not more “evolved” than the other.

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Empathy Without Forgiveness

It’s also possible — and deeply human — to hold empathy for someone, without excusing what they did.

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You might understand that they were operating from their own wounds.

You might see that they were limited, incapable, or emotionally immature.

You might even recognize that, in their own way, they tried.

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And still — you don’t have to forgive them.

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Empathy doesn’t require you to re-open the door.

Understanding doesn’t mean you have to offer absolution.

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You can hold complexity: They did the best they could, and it still wasn’t enough.

You can see the full picture, and still choose to step away.

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It’s something I had to learn.

When my ex broke up with me right after I gave birth to our child and moved on with the woman he’d had an affair with, it didn’t even take me a week to say I forgave him.

After ten years together, I didn’t want all the good memories to feel wasted. I wanted peace, some kind of friendship, and to create something loving for our child.

I thought forgiveness was the only way. I even planned a beautiful uncoupling ceremony to end things with grace. It felt mature, conscious — the ‘right’ thing to do.

But looking back, it wasn’t real forgiveness.

It was what I wanted to feel, what I thought I should feel.

A way to stay composed in the middle of something shattering.

I was still stuck in the cycle of giving.

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Because true forgiveness can’t be forced.

It isn’t a performance. It either comes naturally, or it doesn’t.

And you should know: you’ll be okay even if it never comes.

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Not forgiving someone doesn’t mean you’re stuck. Sometimes, it’s the very thing that sets you free.

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Letting Go Without Forgiving

Forgiveness is often confused with letting go. But they’re not the same.

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You can let go of the hold someone has on your life without forgiving them. You can release the obsession, the resentment, the weight — without excusing their behavior. You can wish them no harm while also wanting nothing to do with them.

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Letting go is about freeing yourself from the burden of resentment.

Forgiveness is about freeing the other person from your judgment.

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And sometimes, they overlap. But they don’t have to.

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A More Nuanced Truth

If you’re feeling stuck — unsure why healing hasn’t happened yet — maybe it’s not because you haven’t forgiven.
Maybe it’s because you haven’t been given the space to not forgive.

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Maybe you’ve been trying to rush the process.
Trying to be gracious before you’ve had a chance to be angry.
Trying to be ‘above it’ before you’ve had time to sit with how far below the belt it all felt.
Trying to make peace, when what you really needed was protection.

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Forgiveness isn’t the entry ticket to healing.
It’s something that may — or may not — arrive after the healing has begun.

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You are allowed to heal in your own time, in your own way.
Without pressure. Without performance. Without doing it to keep things easy for everyone else.

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You don’t have to forgive someone to be free.
You don’t have to soften what happened to rise from it.
You don’t have to send love and light to people who haven't showed you the same.

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Your healing is not a gift you owe to anyone else.
It’s yours.

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And that, too, is a kind of peace.