What Your Traditionally Schooled Therapist Won’t Tell You, But I Will

Navigating relationships and personal growth isn’t easy—especially when your brain is wired by past experiences and survival strategies. What feels like kindness or “playing it safe” can sometimes keep you stuck in unhealthy cycles without you even realizing it.

I’ve gathered some hard-earned truths about how our brains respond to forgiveness, boundaries, vulnerability, and change—things your traditional therapist might not tell you straight up. This is for anyone ready to get real, set firm limits, and reclaim their emotional power with honesty and a little bit of playfulness.

1. Most people won’t value your forgiving nature—they’ll learn to use it.

When you forgive, your brain sends a “safe” signal—to both you and the other person. Forgiveness helps calm your nervous system by saying, “It’s okay to relax now.” But because our brains look for patterns, if forgiveness happens repeatedly without clear consequences, it can unintentionally signal that harmful behavior is allowed to continue. Without realizing it, you can become part of reinforcing a toxic cycle.

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My two cents: Set your boundaries clearly from the start, and don’t hand out second chances like they’re free samples at the grocery store. Being forgiving won’t earn you love—don’t expect your kindness to be returned or respected.

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2. Over-explaining isn’t connection—it’s approval-seeking.

When you find yourself endlessly explaining, it’s often because your brain learned early that misunderstanding was unsafe. So you try to fix it by clarifying, convincing, or justifying. But this creates an imbalanced dynamic where the other person holds the “approval power,” and your nervous system stays in a heightened state of alert, waiting for acceptance. True connection requires dropping the script and allowing mutual regulation—not one-sided persuasion.

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My two cents: Say it once, then stop. If they’re not hearing you, more words won’t help. Remember: Over-explaining = approval-seeking, not connection.

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3. Vulnerability can trigger fear—not everyone is ready for it.

Your emotional honesty is courageous—but for someone whose brain grew up linking emotions with chaos or loss of control, your openness can trigger a survival response. They might shut down or react defensively—not because your vulnerability is wrong, but because their nervous system isn’t yet wired to receive it as safe. It’s not personal rejection, but their brain protecting itself.

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My two cents: It’s not your job to fix that. Drop the ego that thinks you can. Invest in people who can meet you where you are, emotionally.

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4. No boundaries? Your brain defaults to familiar pain.

Boundaries create predictable structure for the brain. Without them, our nervous system defaults to whatever pattern is most familiar—even if that pattern causes discomfort or pain. This is why relationships without clear limits often recycle old trauma loops. Setting boundaries isn’t about control or punishment; it’s about teaching your brain and others’ brains what safety looks like now.

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My two cents: Be specific, be consistent, and don’t wait for things to get messy before setting the line. Boundaries work best when they’re clear from the start. Having no boundaries doesn’t make you chill—it makes you a doormat. And if you’re not sure how—get support.

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5. Your growth will unsettle people—but that’s their process, and not your problem.

When you shift your patterns—by setting boundaries, speaking your truth, or prioritizing self-care—you change the emotional contract others had with you. Their brains are wired to expect the version of you that overgave, stayed quiet, or made room. So your growth can feel threatening, even if it’s healthy. Their discomfort isn’t a sign you’re being harsh—it’s just their nervous system adjusting.

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My two cents: Don’t be afraid of being seen as cold, selfish, or difficult. That fear is exactly what kept you small. Newsflash: People who don’t like your boundaries don’t get to decide your worth. You know your intentions—and you’re allowed to take up space.

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6. Being “the chill one” is a role, not your true self.

If you’ve learned to keep the peace or regulate the emotions in a room, chances are your nervous system adapted by putting others’ comfort above your own truth. It’s a survival strategy. One that can leave you disconnected from your real feelings, performing calm just to avoid conflict or rejection. Real connection asks for something else: your full emotional range—even when it feels messy, loud, or inconvenient.

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My two cents: Let yourself be angry. And if someone calls you selfish, controlling, or negative, don’t rush to soften, shrink, or apologize. Pause. Ask yourself: are they trying to guilt you back into your old role? Especially if you sense a toxic dynamic. Your feelings are valid, and you don’t owe anyone a filtered or watered-down version of who you are.

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Change isn’t comfortable. But your brain—and your soul—deserve the safety that comes from being truly seen and respected. Life isn’t about being perfect or keeping everyone happy.  From experience: it will keep teaching you that until you learn. It’s about being unapologetically you. As a woman, it’s also the only way to call back your magnetic feminine energy. The kind that doesn’t chase or please. The kind that just is. Trust your instincts. Hold your ground. And don’t be afraid to shake things up. You’re worth that much—and more.