Reflections on Love: Breaking Free from the ‘Love Means Giving It All’ Myth

I’ve been there—thinking that love means pouring a lot of myself into someone else, hoping that what I give will come back. I gave my time, my softness, my emotional labor—often more than I even realized. Not because anyone explicitly asked me to, but because that’s what I thought love required.

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Be the calm one. The supportive one. The one who listens, forgives, adjusts, and uplifts—without pause. I used to unconsciously believe that if I gave enough, love would eventually fill me back up. That all my giving would circle its way home.

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But over time, with experience and reflection, I learned something important: Real love isn’t about endless giving. It sounds so simple now, almost obvious. But back then, I wasn't aware. I believed—deep down—that to be loved, I had to be more. More understanding. More patient. More giving. And less… needy. Less messy. Less me. I didn’t see how quietly I was disappearing. Until one day, I did. And once you see that, it’s hard to unsee.

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We’ve Been Sold a Dream

We all know the story we’ve been told. That love completes us. That finding “the one” is the answer. That life falls into place once you’ve chosen each other.

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Especially if you grew up in the ‘90s— the era of fairy tales with makeover scenes, rom-coms where the clumsy girl lands the guy, and pop songs telling us we were half a heart, waiting to be completed.

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We were taught that love was the goal. That being chosen was the prize.

That once someone said yes to us, we could finally say yes to ourselves.

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But real life doesn’t work like that.

Because in reality—especially for women, living in a world still shaped by patriarchy—love often asks us to give more than we get.

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We become the caretakers of connection.
We give without being asked.
We anticipate needs before they’re spoken.
We hold the emotional weight, smooth the rough edges, offer softness again and again—quietly hoping it’ll come back around.

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Sometimes it does.
But often, it doesn’t.

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Do They Love Me—or What I Offer?

Love is beautiful. It holds connection, support, and shared growth.

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But many of us grow up learning that love must be earned—by becoming more than who we are naturally. By becoming the therapist, the cheerleader, the peacemaker.

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We give and give, hoping it will fill us back up. Only to find ourselves running on empty.

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And then the question surfaces: Do they love me for who I am, or only for what I bring to the table?

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The Impossible Balancing Act

Many women know this silent struggle all too well.

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Be soft, but not fragile.
Be strong, but not confrontational.
Be confident, but not too loud.
Have boundaries, but stay warm and open.

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We are told to be everything—just never too much.

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Even the most well-meaning partners reflect this contradiction.

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They say they want you to stand firm, but only when it suits them.
They claim to value honesty, but pull away when it demands change.
They cherish your depth, but only when it’s light enough to handle.

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The Shift I Needed

The real change started when I stopped trying to be everything all at once. When I stopped twisting and shrinking myself to fit a role that was never mine to play.

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Love isn’t supposed to ask you to disappear.

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The love that lasts?
It’s not something you earn through effort. It’s a current that flows when you are already enough.

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It doesn’t silence your voice.
It leans in to listen. It’s curious about it.

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It doesn’t rewrite your story.
It wants to know it, and honors it.

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If you’re reading this and feeling the weight of giving too much— know that you don’t have to stretch yourself so thin to be loved. It’s important to let go of the idea that love means giving everything, that your worth depends on how much you sacrifice or accommodate others. The love you deserve doesn’t ask you to give up who you are. It meets you as you are—complete, with your boundaries and your feelings intact. That kind of love allows you to be yourself without apology, and it doesn’t come at the cost of your well-being. When you experience love like this, it opens the door to deeper connection—where you can grow, heal, and genuinely thrive.

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I see it happening around me—a generation of women quietly moving away from the old story that love means giving until there’s nothing left. We’re starting to set boundaries and expect relationships where we’re valued as we are, mess and all, while still making space to grow together.

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This shift isn’t just good for us—it’s good for everyone. When we stop sacrificing ourselves, relationships become healthier and more balanced for everyone involved.

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This isn’t a message or a finger of blame against men—it’s about changing patterns that affect us all, so everyone can experience love that’s honest and whole.

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By standing firm now, we’re not only changing our own experience—we’re paving the way for the next generations we’re raising and teaching. We’re showing them that love doesn’t mean losing yourself, but growing together in respect and truth.