“You’re so strong” is a complicated compliment

First published on Substack.

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I want to confess something that feels slightly ungrateful :)

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I think many of us who have gone through hard seasons know this feeling…

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Someone looks at everything you’re navigating, everything you’ve had to figure out, and says: “You’re so strong.”

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And you know they mean it with love. But a tiny part of you thinks: “Thanks for noticing, but I’d actually much rather be well-rested.”

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This feels a little delicate to write about because, please, let’s keep saying kind things to each other. The world desperately needs more people trying, even if we occasionally miss the mark.

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The people who tell others they’re strong are also not wrong. They’re simply reaching for kind words when someone else’s life looks hard.

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And honestly, what else are you supposed to say?

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There isn’t a card aisle for: “Congratulations on adapting to a reality you never wanted.”

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So we say, “You’re so strong.” Because what we mean is: “I see you.”

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Only sometimes… that lands a little differently. Because strength is a strange thing to be complimented on.

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Most people don’t wake up hoping to become stronger. Nobody puts it on their vision board.

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Most of the people we call strong didn’t audition for the role. They got cast:

The person living with chronic illness.

The family learning to find their new normal after loss.

The one rebuilding after divorce.

The parent doing it alone.

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Life handed them a script they probably wouldn’t have chosen, and somehow they learned their lines anyway.

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I’ve heard it many times as a mom doing the caregiving solo. And every single time, I know it’s meant with the best intentions. But there’s also a tiny voice in my head that replies: “I’d trade a little strength for a little more ease.”

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Because being called strong often comes after you’ve already shown that you can handle things. And once people know you can handle things, they naturally become more comfortable assuming you will.

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Not because they don’t care. Because they trust you.

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Which is kind of the weirdest compliment trap.

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The people who look like they’re coping the best are often just the people who have had the most practice.

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Strength can become such a familiar part of someone’s story that people sometimes stop being curious about what it’s actually like to live inside it.

One who gets tired.

One who occasionally wants someone else to decide what’s for dinner.

One who would quite like to have a small, dramatic meltdown over something entirely unreasonable without hearing: “But you’ve got this too, you’re so strong.”

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I don’t think we should retire the phrase. I just think a companion would be nice.

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Maybe after, “You’re so strong,” comes:

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“So tell me, how are you really?”

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Or:

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“Can I take something off your plate?”

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Or even better:

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“I’ll come over, let’s do this together for a bit.”

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Because sometimes what people need isn’t to be reminded that they can handle it. They already know they can. Sometimes they just want someone to notice that handling it is still a lot.

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And support doesn’t always mean fixing things or taking everything away. Sometimes it looks like listening. Sometimes it looks like showing up. Sometimes it looks like quietly grabbing one of the bags.

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I guess admiration is lovely, but feeling held is lovelier.

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Being told you’re strong feels really good. It just means a little more when it comes with the feeling that you don’t have to prove it every single day.